Some enteries might be disturbing, Breach at your own choice.
Manifestation
I bought a book to take with me to the renissance festival. It is a leather book with dragons on it. I started writing in it. I wanted to add those writings here as well:
On the first page I drew what looks like the human brain - I cannot draw so it looks a bit odd. Underneath it I wrote: "assumptions create reality"
if one believes that the divinie is always on one side than the divine must work to help create the belief.
To become:
One must shift their own mindset. Much like in psychology, the change of how the brain processes information can be the one drastic change to bring a person from depression to contentment. To shift the thought process to negative to positive (shoutout pitbull dale.) Much like those who want to lose weight. It is easy to start a diet and lose significant weight on a calorie deficiency. But, to keep and mainstain that structure - one must shift their mindset of believe that they are a "healthy individual." Or their diet will eventually fail. The diet fails not because it is a diet. But, it fails because once the person has gain comfort - bad habits will arrise. It is much easier to grab a meal from mcdonalds than to make one at home. It is much easier for the brain to say "just grab some chips for a quick snack" once you have been programmed to live that way. One bag of chips, turns into a bag the next day, than before you realize - you are back to round one. But if you change the thought process to "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" than you will be more inclined to grab an apple over a bag of chips. As this might not make sense as these are two different subjects.
The main point here is that "to become - one must already be"
Leap of Faith
Sometimes I find myself in a bind of my own existence. Sometimes, I fail to see the amount of courage I have taken. I can get lost in my head, my own writings, or the desperation of situations. I have always been the type of person to walk into the unknown without awareness of where things might head. I am in a place of unknown in my own current circumstances. I wanted to remind myself the amount of times I have made choices or done things with my own intuition. My own courage that I have shown up and faced head on even when fear dominated my beliefs. I wanted to use this as a moment to reflect and face the outcome to some of my own decisions. I want to use this knowledge to remind myself of where I am and where I am going. I wanted to show my own expression of God, the divine, or the human subconcious depending on the beliefs of others or the terminology that is often used for these type of concepts. So I will asknowledge now the things I have done that others might have had fear to do.
I once was dating someone I met primarily online. This man was abusive, unkind, and took advantage of my love. He knew that I was in a bad place mentally but still chose to pursue me regardless of the consequences. I had dreams, I had channeled music, I had my own intuition tell me he was cheating. I, however, would communicate those fears and unbenounced to me- he would lie and gaslight me. I eventually took my own courage after lots of gathering of information to find his friends and reached out to which they spoke the truth. He was cheating. I then still took him back against my better judgement. To which he continued to stay the same man. I broke up with him over the phone after he made it apparent he wanted to keep his options open - yet we were planning to meet. So I took the flight to where he stayed. I was uncertain if I should meet him or not so I asked god. If I should than show me a purple car. I went to a dollar store to grab some items and the older man in front of me took his time to count change to which left me annoyed. I eventually bought my items and went outside to place them in my backpack. I then looked up in just that moment and a purple car passed by. I knew at that moment, God made his decision. I listened to god and I went to his house. To which his mother answered the door than getting him to come to the front. He looked through the peep hole but I already knew intuitively to stand to the side. We stood their staring at eachother - Then he slammed the door in my face. To my disbelief, he looked nothing like how I thought he would have. After a minute or two, I regained my composure and knocked again to tell his family of the behavior that he had been invovled in. They apologized and recognized that he is just that way. I left after handing them the flowers and gift and went away. I was in debelief but I had my answer- no spark.
I once was in a long term relationship for about five years. He was a lovely man but a bit immature. I felt entirely alone in the relationship, a pit in my own stomach. If I could explain how I felt that night on the cruise where it was 4 am in the morning, laying alone, while he was out with his cousin and the random friends he made in a hot tub... My stomach dropped. I laid their that night with a hole in my chest and a heavy feeling in my heart. I knew. The relationship was dead. I still tried to give him the benefit of a doubt. I handed him a list of things he could change to make the relationship better but I knew it was dead. I was so desperate for an out- I eventually packed all of my things and moved in my parents one bedroom apartment. I slept on a deflated air mattress everynight. I had to end the relationship and watch him cry infront of me knowing I couldn't fix this anymore. I made the leap of faith, to let go of someone I thought I would marry for the possibility of a better future while standing their not seeing what was ahead of me. Not knowing the next person to come, Not knowing where it would lead.
Recently, my life has been falling apart with everyone leaving. I cried to the trees, I cried at a park, and I cried to God. I begged him for a miracle. I begged him for a chance of something good. I often speak to god all the time. Yet, I am not heavily into the church or anything like that. As my faith, is much more personal. As my faith, is only mine. Things are slightly better. I have been able to afford all I needed too, My dad has gotten better, My parents relationship is healing. I, however, am still left without my lover. I been praying for two years for my two of cups, my lover, my person. Yet, God always stands so silently. Is it because of me? Is their something I have yet to change. I have dates planned, I have ideas, I have beliefs, but yet my lover is yet to be here with me. I belive in the spark. I believe in chemistry. And as robin said in how I met your mother to ted "if you have chemistry all you need is timing." I hope to god it's my time. I really wish it has come. I have so much love to give, I want to cherish someone so badly, I want to make them my world. I ask for signs but yet I recieve so many. I wish it was quieter, I wish they came easier like when I dream of cheating text messages. My head runs with options, my head falls for illusions. I want my lover... So how will I know when it's you.
